daily Broadcast

When Dealing with Relational Conflict, Part 2

From the series Inner Peace

Is there a person in your relational world who is absolutely making you nuts? Would you like to learn how to get a perspective that’ll free you up and relieve the turmoil in your heart and mind? In this message, Chip shares some practical, biblical ways to find peace, even in our most problem relationships.

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Message Transcript

What he is going to do now is give us five very practical ways to resolve conflict. Number one, resolve to stop procrastinating. I’d like you, as you’re sitting in your chair, to literally say, I am going to address this this week. In your mind, in your heart, as you’re listening to me, whisper to God, God, I don’t want to, but I will address it this week.

Because unresolved conflict produces stress, it affects other people, it affects you and your life, it affects your emotions, it affects your thinking. And you’re commanded like I’m commanded in Romans 12:17 to respect, and the word means, literally, to consider, to ponder. “Respect what is right in the sight of all men,” believers and unbelievers.

You don’t have to agree, but just like, Okay, this is how they think and this is their background and this is what they said and if I’m really trying, this is where they are coming from. Just respect it. Just consider what is right in the sight of all men.

And then here’s the command: “Be at peace with them” – but here’s the condition, “as far as it depends on you.” You know what? Hundreds of you are going to take steps toward resolving relational conflict, and we are going to have amazing, amazing stories for many of you. But for some of you, you’ll do everything God says and they won’t respond at all. But you’ll now have peace because you’ll say, You know what? As far as it depends on me, I did everything I could. And then you can let it go.

Second, from verse 2, reevaluate your expectations. Some of us, especially inside the church, we have expectations of the people. First, that good Christians who really love one another should never be at odds, should never have heated disagreements, should never really argue, should never have intense disagreements. And since we do, something is wrong with them. Right?

You need to reevaluate your expectations. There’s a reason in Scripture God gives us some examples of very godly people. In this situation, is there a bad woman and a good woman? No. They both serve, they both love Jesus, they are both born again. But they don’t get along.

New Testament, greatest example, the apostle Paul was a murderer. He has a vision of Christ, he becomes from Saul to Paul, a radical conversion. Because he is murdering people or orchestrating it, none of the disciples want to have anything to do with him.

So another follower of Jesus named Barnabas, whose nickname was “Son of Encouragement,” comes along and believes Paul, introduces him to the Church. Paul ends up getting some private training from the Lord, and then the Church is birthed among Gentiles in Antioch, Barnabas gets Paul, and they do this ministry.

They are buddies. He’s the guy that cares for him. They are praying one day, Acts 13, and the Holy Spirit whispers and says, “Set apart from Me, Paul and Barnabas,” and they go on the first missionary journey.

And Barnabas is a leader and Paul is the gifted speaker. And they have this amazing experience. And then as they minister together, they go on a journey and they take a guy named John Mark who is young and he is vulnerable and it gets hard. And so he bails out and quits.

And so they continue on and God blesses it. Well, they are ready for another missionary journey and the apostle Paul goes, “Okay, we need to go visit all those churches, see how everybody is doing.” And Barnabas, now, this is not in the Bible. This is Chip, okay?

Okay, so don’t go like, Where is this? Okay? This is me. So Barnabas says, “Hey, Paul, this is great, this next missionary journey. Let’s take John Mark, because I have been working with him, he’s in my discipleship group and I know he kind of messed up, but we all mess up. Think about where you were when I met you. I think he’s got a lot of potential.”

And Paul goes, “He’s not going.” And I can hear him, Barnabas, “What do you mean he’s not going?” “He’s not going.” “Why?” “Because here’s what matters. God called me to reach the Gentiles. The mission matters. I really care about people, but when you mess up, the mission is not going to be at risk for one guy. Sorry, Barnabas, he’s done.” Whew.

Barnabas is going, “What are you…are you kidding me? The ministry is people. We have to take him. We have to care for him.” And it says they had such a strong schismata can you hear a word there? It’s what we get the word schism from.

And it’s like, bam, bam! Now, what I can tell you is, God really used the missionary journeys of Paul, and near the very end of Paul’s life, he calls for John Mark to bring him his parchments and his coat, and he makes this comment near the end of his life, “…because he is of great value to me and to the kingdom of God.”

Don’t you think there are some people who are choleric, high D, visionary leaders that God made that way because the mission has got to go forward? And He made some people who are tender counselors, caring, mercy-oriented, and they are going to make sure people get loved. And don’t you think the combination of that makes for a great church?

But don’t you think the combination of that makes for some real conflict? These are two godly guys who really get after it. And you know what? If you think that just because people are Christians and, I was in this church, or, I was in this small group, or, my brother-in-law says he is a Christian, or, that lady, she’s got that fish on the back of her car and she did this to me.

You know what? Can you just readjust your expectations and just realize, you know what? Now, sometimes it’s just sin. But sometimes it’s just different. And if we are immature and have bad expectations, we characterize those differences and we say, They are bad and I’m good. And there is division.

The second expectation is that we think, again, it’s that Pollyanna view is that, Well, if we all really love one another and I say I’m sorry and she says she is sorry, well, then we should have lunch together like we used to and we can co-lead the Bible study again and Thanksgiving dinners will be the same with my brother-in-law who did this and did that.

I don’t think Paul and Barnabas, I think they forgave each other, I think they agreed to disagree. But I don’t think it was ever the same.

Third, get outside help. Get outside help. When you’re in a relational conflict and your attempts, I’m assuming you know Matthew 18. Matthew 18 is if someone sins against you, if there’s a problem, you go to them privately. If that doesn’t work, you take a friend and go with them. If that doesn’t work, you take it and get outside, competent counsel from the church.

But here’s the deal. If, when you’re trying to resolve something with someone, and it escalates and there’s more tension when you try and solve it, guess what it means? You two can’t solve it. You need outside help. When my wife and I were in that situation, a year or so into our marriage, we had to go get outside help.

And the only thing that kept me from getting outside help – it’s called a marriage counselor, by the way, I’m not trying to be tricky – is my pride. Here I am in seminary, preparing to be a pastor.

And so I went and got outside help and paid ninety-five dollars a session for twelve sessions, with money that I didn’t have, that was the greatest investment.

Five years later, we hit another little bump. It wasn’t bad, but by then we just realized when you hit a stalemate in a relationship and you can’t resolve it, most people bury it. Instead, get outside help. These two ladies need someone with skills.

Now, when you get outside help, it needs to be someone you both respect, they need to be godly, they need to know God’s Word, they need to be wise, they need to be objective so that as they arbitrate and help you all, it’s not like, Well, you brought your friend, or, you recruited this person and they see it your way. It’s got to be someone that you both can say, “You know…”

Because when reconciliation occurs, something has to happen in both people. And that third party has to be someone that you believe can really help.

Fourth, don’t let one relationship ruin your life. There are two kinds of relational people – there may be more. But in these kinds of situations, I have found, there are some people I call “rescuers,” and some people I call “warriors.”

Rescuers are, “This relationship isn’t right. We’ve got to fix it! And until it’s fixed, I mean, really, really fixed and everything is just the way it used to be, it’s not right!” Let it go. There are certain relationships that you’re not going to fix. You can agree to disagree, you can have forgiveness, you can have some reconciliation.

And then there are warriors. They are justice addicts. “Until he sees where he was wrong, I can never get along with him. Remember? He actually said this and we all know that is wrong.”

And we are talking about, now, if it’s a doctrinal issue, if it’s an integrity issue, it’s a moral issue – of course. But we have ongoing conflict in relationships, in families, marriages, and the body of Christ because some people demand that it gets fixed in a way that they think is right, or in a way where the other person really can see and own it and realize they are wrong.

And here it is. Let your gentleness, let your consideration, be willing to receive less than is due. Jesus said there is only one reason why anyone ever gets a divorce. Is that amazing? Do you know what that reason is? Only one reason. Jesus said because of hardness of people’s hearts.

And, see, what happens is there is a little offense and you get hurt or you’re wounded, and so then you, well, usually you start with a little sarcasm because you don’t want to deal with the real issue, so you joke about it. Or you’re passive/aggressive and you know this makes them crazy.

And so you pay them back – wound, wound, wound, wound. And then a veneer of hurt and wound and callouses start. And, see, the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. And pretty soon you want to so protect yourself and you don’t get outside help and your heart gets hard, and pretty soon, you don’t care. I don’t care what he does, I don’t care when he comes in, I don’t care if she’s affectionate or not affectionate.

And then you play the substitute game and you either pile into your work or you focus in on the kids or you take on some hobby or, often, find someone at the gym who will listen, or someone at a bar who finds you attractive. And you believe the lie that it’s going to be so much different. And it plays out with tragedy.

Don’t let one person ruin your life. I sat on the front row for about forty-five minutes with this young girl and her mom and I said, “Forgiveness is, first and foremost, it’s an act, all right? If you wait on your dad to come back and make your life better and love you, you may wait your whole life. Don’t give him that much power. But you can choose to forgive him because God has forgiven you, and you release him. But that’s just an act, okay? It’s an act of the will. It’s a choice.”

I said, “Then you enter into a process called “forgiveness.” And this is going to sound really crazy, you will not feel like doing it,” she shared some of her anger fantasies and ways that, in her mind, she would love to hurt her dad. And we all do that stuff.

And I said, “After you forgive, then on a daily basis, I want you to pray for him. And then it’s probably not wise for you to have personal contact at this point. But find a way to bless him.” And then we looked at Matthew 5 where Jesus commanded us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. Or Romans 12, the second half, where we rejoice with those who rejoice, and if our enemy is hungry, we feed them.

I said, “Now, this isn’t for him. This is for you. This will free your heart. And so there’s this journey where you’re going to keep praying for him.” And I said, “Your early prayers will be, God, give him what he deserves. I understand that. Or, Cause that girlfriend or whoever he is hanging out with…

And I said, “But what I am going to ask you to do is pray real prayers as God leads you, like, Bless his health, his business, his work, his life. Just genuinely get there.” And I said, “Maybe anonymously you could just…this is for you. Maybe you send him a gift card that he doesn’t know where it comes from, to go out to dinner someplace. What you need to do is you need to bless him, because God causes His grace to fall on the wicked as well as the righteous. And you’re never more like your heavenly Father, according to Jesus, than when we extend mercy and give people what they don’t deserve. And what is going to happen is your heart will heal.”

And I gave her a few examples, but in one or two that I shared, it took two years and I said, “Every time I took the Lord’s Supper with this one person who betrayed me, I did this. And then I remember about two years later, I heard something positive about them, and before I could think, Oh brother, that stinks, because, see, that means my heart still has vengeance.”

See, what we do is we give this person to God and say, You’re just. It’s all going to play out. I am giving You that job. I am going to take the role of doing what Jesus did for me. And I said, “You’ll hear something positive about your dad and your immediate response will be you’ll have joy in something good that happens to him, and then you’ll know you’re done. You forgive him.

“And the person that will be free is you. And what your father will experience, whether he ever sees you or knows all about this, he is going to experience the grace and the mercy of God through you just the way…”

And for some of you, that’s going to be your journey. Because as I talked to her, I said, “Is one relationship ruining your life?” And she just began to weep. Can I ask you? Is there an ex-mate, an ex-boss, a brother, a sister, one of your kids?

The reconciliation may never be what you long for it to be, but it might. So that’s the first step.

Finally, step five, if you can think of them as steps is, remember that a right response is more important than being right. A right response. You can’t control the other person. As far as it depends on you.

See, here’s the deal where you’re going to have inner peace. If you do the right thing, you can say, Lord, I have done all that I can do. How they respond or don’t respond is not your concern. But are you going to respond with gentleness, forbearance, and love and mercy?

Now, by the way, if you’re not thinking, This is idiotic, then you’re not listening well. They are actually going to be kind and bless and pray for people that did this, this, this, and this? Yeah. Why? Because freely we have received from Him, Jesus, and freely we give.

And it’s impossible to do this, apart from the supernatural grace. That’s why it’s not an inward journey of finding some center inside of you. It’s not some performance where you can show them. It’s a supernatural peace given by God as you treat this person and you take the steps, as far as it depends on you, exactly the way that God, through Jesus, has treated you. Does that make sense?

So let’s apply this right now. On a scale of one to ten, rank the level of stress and concern you currently experience from this relationship. Four? Seven? For some of you, It was a two until I came in here! I hadn’t thought about it in ten years! Believe me, it’s still messing with your soul.

Second is, what price are you paying to allow this to continue? Think about it. Think of the price you’re paying inside. Think of the price in related family members or related people or just the lack of peace.

We have walked through the steps in question three and I think in question four it’s pretty clear which relationship it is. Let me ask you: who could help you? Most of us will not have the courage to take this step unless we verbalize, I think this is what I need to do, I don’t want to do it, I need your prayers and strength and courage to help me. Who might be someone who could help you? Got it?

Now, by the way, crossroads, some people in this room are going to take that to heart, make a commitment, take the first steps, and you will experience great peace. And some of you will listen and hear and just go, I just can’t bring myself to do that. And I will guarantee in six months or six years or ten years from now, God will bring this right back around and you will pay and others will pay a huge price.

And here’s the thing: it’s really not about you, because when Christians have conflict with other Christians, you are screaming that we don’t love one another the way Jesus loved us. And so the world has every right to question our gospel. And I don’t know about you, but that brings a level of sobriety and willingness to do whatever God says.